You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Two words: nipple clamps
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