I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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