The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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