She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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