Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
