Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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