another moral hangover. fuck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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