I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
