I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
