Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
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