That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
