my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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