Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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