Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize