Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
