i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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