Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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