she woke up with a sticky ear
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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