i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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