I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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