I'm drive I can fine osifer
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
