can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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