That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Randomize
