I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry about my life...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
