Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
