All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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