he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
