She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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