This house was built for laser tag.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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