well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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