so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sext me about skeletons
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
