And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
