I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
