HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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