I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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