I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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