The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
