saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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