chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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