she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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