wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Farmville is her only friend.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
