My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
