pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
