White coat. Heels.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
