I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
