see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
