i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
