Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
