So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
