was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
