Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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