hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
