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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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