they need to just BURY HIM!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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