I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we made out on top of his cat.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This baby is an asshole
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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