Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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