I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
