Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
