This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
