I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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