Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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