I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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